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41 practical ADVICES FOR TROUBLED MARRIAGES

41 practical ADVICES FOR TROUBLED MARRIAGESThere is no such thing as a perfect marriage; all marriages have some problem or the other, till the end; this is a test for Insan in this world

  • There is no such thing as a perfect marriage; all marriages have some problem or the other, till the end; this is a test for Insan in this world
  • Always focus on the positive points / aspects of the marriage and one’s partner
  • My partner has been ordained for me by My Creator; so no point in finding fault with His decree
  • Realise that Allah made all different – temperament, habits, background – yet all have to live together; this is the challenge of marriage
  • Realise that Allah has made man & woman different; man is to be the kind and  compassionate protector of woman, not her tormentor
  • Each partner must try to fulfil rights of the other and forgo own rights; not to fight for and demand rights
  • Accept that no person is perfect; all have some faults; focus on own faults; not next person’s faults; do not look for faults or highlight next person’s faults all the time
  • Never try to be a perfectionist in marriage issues
  • Make a firm commitment to make marriage work; affirm this by word and deed; do not say or do things that may damage the marriage
  • Be considerate of one’s partner; be sensitive to one’s partner; do not hurt feelings
  • Appreciate each other; express it now and then; do not take next person or favours for granted
  • Always be objective, not emotional; be rational, balanced and just
  • Avoid assumptions, suspicions, negative  perception of partner; always give benefit of doubt; must verify facts
  • Gradually work towards overcoming one’s weaknesses; give the next person a chance; be kind, not harsh
  • Never be defensive; admit your mistakes; Allah alone is perfect. Avoid cynicism, pessimism, aggression & negativity always
  • Anger is dangerous; it is also Haraam; control it by reading, water, wudhu, etc.
  • Do not walk away in anger for more than a few hours; try to make up as quickly as possible with loving gestures
  • Listen to the next person attentively, calmly, patiently; do not comment right away; think it over; take time to respond
  • Lots of communication is required; communication requires skill and tact
  • Compromise is essential; marriage is not a one way street; it is a dual road
  • Consultation in a friendly manner in all major issues is important
  • Balance the rights of everyone; do not be imbalanced; help one another to fulfil rights
  • Learn to relax & unwind; be humourous, not tense and anxious all the time
  • Be polite in speech & courteous; not rude & abrupt; do not scream or shout
  • Forgive and forget; everyone makes mistakes
  • Do not bring up the past; look forward, not backward; bygones are bygones; just as we want Allah to forgive us, forgive others
  • Mutual respect is important; never run down one’s partner
  • Help each other in housework and chores;  a working mum has extra pressures
  • Take interest in the next person’s matters; do not be selfish and self-centered
  • Physical and verbal abuse is absolutely unacceptable
  • Confidentiality is important; never discuss with too many people; consult a pious elder or learned Aalim if problems occur; but do not bottle up problems
  • Time away from each other occasionally is healthy for the relationship
  • Try and spend free time together, especially evenings & most weekends
  • Money matters must be done with consultation; save, be thrifty; but also not to the extreme; (do not be extravagant)
  • Have a medical check up for pressure, sugar, etc. which can cause anger and frustration
  • No point in attributing all problems to Sihr (Jadu); avoid doubts; if necessary consult only an authentic Aamil (read Manzil for protection)
  • Romance is needed occasionally to revive the marriage
  • Come onto Deen fully; Salaah, Zikr, Tilawah; attend programs; start Taleem at home even for few minutes; avoid sins and change life
  • When things go wrong, always ask: Where have we gone wrong? Rectify wrongs, give up sins, repent, all will come right soon, insha allah
  • Never underestimate the power of Dua; ask Allah for His help at all times, especially when things are not right
  • Each one will go to own grave & stand alone before Allah to answer for self, not for others. With this in mind, do one’s duty and leave the rest to Allah

Mufti Zubair Bayat (Ameer Darul Ihsan)

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